i know looking back at this time
i can’t believe just how i felt for so long
so now i’m gonna walk around and look out for some new hope
and i won’t care if you fall down at my feet
but if i hold on, hold on
i just might make it;
if i keep strong, keep strong
there’s nothing wrong when i’m
here in the dark—
this is who i am.
there may be fear in this heart
but this is who i am
so i don’t need you to be the one who saves me
when all you do is push and break me
you’ll not lay me down, my love.1
my baca, the weeping willows, have not completely disappeared with august, but “there is grace2" and with past grace, there is future hope.
until time had distanced a bit, i hadn’t realized the valley i’d been in spiritually over the summer. my desperate need for pacification, to be lead toward the lie that i am good, that i am noble, that i need not redemption, save the one invented of my own clay…3 i interpreted every negative event through the lens of God’s judgement and disapproval and felt incredibly distanced from Him, abandoned by Him.
i never used to think of God as humble—it’s strange to think of Christ as humble—but humility is the only way to describe the lowliness with which He stooped down to me in my despicable condition, ignoring Him, pushing Him away, accusing Him of violating His own character and entertaining thoughts about God that were completely unworthy of Him.4
lewis, in his problem of pain, explains that when we say that God is good, we almost always mean his kindness; and by kindness we don’t mean much more than his prodigal benevolence that simply wants everyone to have a nice time. the more i read, the more ashamed i became of my own arrogance. because life wasn’t being as pleasant as i expected it to be, i was doubting His love. what a small view of God!
"since i have reason to believe nevertheless, that God is Love, i conclude that my conception of love needs correction.5”
he writes, “if God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness; and it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt.” [emphasis mine.] how life-changing is this grace! in asking for heaven on earth, i was asking not for more love, but for less—”the LORD reproves him whom he loves!6" how could i have forgotten?
i wanted a loving God. how loving He is! and how good.
i cigni cantano dolcemente.