in the past few months, my life has undergone subtle changes that ushered multiple beauties into my world. thoroughly good, honest, and open. ways that life is better and less resistance i’ve previously experienced in my entire life.
this tender, broken part of my heart wants to laugh it off. i want to protect myself from the vulnerability of being hurt again. i want to say, “you’ve heard this all before. you know exactly what stage i’m at and how long this will last before i need to extricate myself.”
well, part of me has said that to myself. the journey as i understand more and more about myself can be humiliating. but it’s part of the journey, and i am learning to accept that. living with my feelings in the moment, trusting them, and embracing life wholeheartedly.
i can’t predict the future. i can recognize as my life becomes more or less of what i want it to be, but it’s impossible to anticipate exactly how various elements will interact, evolve, or weigh over time. maybe this will be a season of light and hope that fades quickly. that prospect is terrifying, because the goodness is life-giving in ways i never experienced before.
but i’m not responsible for that. all i can do is to be present in the moment, be honest with myself and others about what i want, how i feel, and what i need. i hold within myself the power to shape my life to be what i want it to be, and i am the one who needs to now wholeheartedly embrace the risk, reckless hopefulness, and beauty this season brings. i am the one who needs to vulnerably and wholeheartedly share myself—the fragile hopes, the shameful pain, the light whimsy, the vibrant joys—to generously and freely open up. this all while being grounded in reality, listening to myself, and pursuing the life that will reflect the values i hold dear and the trajectory i want for my own growth.
the past three years have seen change i never could have anticipated in my life. at each juncture, i’ve taken responsibility for pursuing the work, education, and life i want. in so many ways, i am getting closer to the reality of that every day. but unless i want to stagnate, i’ll never truly be finished aiming for higher and better. and i’ll never grow if i don’t intentionally and meaningfully open myself and embrace the goodness i am given in this moment.
my motto for this season of life is the spider. 🕷 i tag all my tweets related to this with the little emoji as a reminder to myself. for the past two years, i’ve had the following snippet of nikki giovanni’s poem pinned at the top of my twitter timeline, and it has only grown more meaningful each day:
i don't think
to kill something
because i am
in every decision, in every move, i ask myself: what is driving this decision? fear? or love? am i allowed to kill something because i am frightened? no. i think of the brown papery spider nikki giovanni describes in her poem, and the balance it brings to our ecology and the needs we have that we don’t even recognize in the things that scare us.
it’s risky, it’s hard, but even in the pain that may come, each moment choosing love over fear is a victory, a way to grow, stretch, and become more fully ourselves.
i am frightened, but i won’t let fear rule the day.
this is me, choosing openness, wholeheartedness, and trust.
i am grateful.